Justin Bieber’s increasingly erratic behavior over the past year or so is no longer so easy to attribute to youthful joie de vivre no matter how many times I watch “Never Say Never” to reassure myself that, hey man, he’s just a dumb kid! I set out to see if I could quantify his cray. Fortunately (or unfortunately for our boy Justin), numbers don’t lie.
The implosion signs are all there if I’m looking at previous celebrity meltdowns: the pot smoking, Twitter rants, this outfit . . . this kid is on The Road. Let’s never forget though, that TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood. Other celebrities have traveled this Road. Some have taken the Meltdown Fork. Some have taken the Fork to Redemption, Soul, and Body. Which Fork is Bieber headed for?
Let’s look at the historical comparables and see if we can predict Bieber’s Forkitude.
PHOTOGRAPHED SMOKING POT
THIS LIST would seem to indicate that getting photographed smoking pot isn’t a problem. I’ve created four classifications for the people on the list in that link and here’s the distribution:[ref]Totally subjective classifications here people. They might be wrong, except for the Dead ones.[/ref]
6% DEAD[ref]Marley, Winehouse, Whitney[/ref]
12% STILL AN ISSUE[ref]Lohan, Lil Wayne, DMX, Dick, Hilton, Culkin[/ref]
27% REHABBED[ref]Richie, Phelps, Barker, Arquette, Sheen, Richards, Harrelson, Faustino, Nelson, Allen, McConaughey, Steve-O, Barton, Barrymore[/ref]
55% DOING FINE[ref]Theron, McCoy, Diddy, Bloom, Bosworth, Depp, Braff, McDormand, Pitt, Manilow (BARRY MANILOW?), Wilson, Rogen, Rogan, Milonakis, Red Man, Diaz, Carter, Kimora, Latifah, Castro, Franco, Stewart, Benson, Curry, Cheech, Chong, Governator, Snoop Animal, Barry O[/ref]
These celebrities run the gamut from Dead (Winehouse) to President (Obama) and all colors of the rainbow in between, but over half of these people are carrying on with their lives with a fair amount of success. No worries here.
TWITTER RANTS
THIS LIST is far more suspect. With few exceptions, these people are train wrecks. I’ve created four classifications for the people on the list on that link and here’s the distribution:[ref]Again, totally subjective. Cool off.[/ref]
16% HAS BEEN[ref]Jackson, Baio, Nugent, Canseco[/ref]
20% WHO?[ref]Azealia, Wow, Soulja Boy, Gaffney, Delonte West (who I do know, but only because he supposedly banged LeBron James’ mother, right?)[/ref]
24% LOSER[ref]Montag, Love, Hilton, Bron, Tequila, Lohan[/ref]
40% DOING FINE[ref]Ice-T, Smith, Fitty, Minaj, Kanye, Baldwin, Carrey, Sheen, Trump, Beasley[/ref]
So your chances of ending up in the “Doing Fine” category go down 15% (from 55% if you smoke pot to 40% if you have a meltdown on Twitter). Hmmm. For the record, Justin’s Worst Birthday tweet wasn’t actually a meltdown in my book. His Instagram follow up was. Followed up by a two-hour tardy on his 02 gig that he blamed on . . . not being late? For which he subsequently defiantly Twit-pologized? This is a step down Meltdown Road.
Speaking of meltdown . . . WTF
This picture was taken on March 1 in London. It’s cold as hell out and Bieber is wearing: (1) no shirt/roid back[ref]don’t think I didn’t blow that pic up to 2000% looking for backne[/ref]; (2) custom-made, tag-less, absolutely spotless tightie whities; and (3) leather sweatpants that are too short, but not in a “where’s the flood” way … in a “these don’t go all the way up” way. This is the most damning of all Bieber’s foibles thus far.
Not hard to guess what’s happening here. Bieber didn’t get his way at a club, left in a huff, pulled off his shirt and sulked off to a place that undoubtedly indulged his sense of entitlement better. You know who loses control and lets themselves be photographed shirtless? Here’s who:
Here’s the math on these guys.
25% DEAD[ref]Winehouse[/ref]
25% ASSHOLE[ref]Brown[/ref]
25% HAS BEEN[ref]Hasselhoff[/ref]
25% DOING FINE[ref]Sutherland[/ref]
So Bieber’s chances of ending up in the “Doing Fine” category have gone down ANOTHER 15% (from 40% to 25%). But that’s not even the worst part.
LACK OF ADULT SUPERVISION
Bieber, put your fucking shirt on. (unless you lost all your shirts in a fire in which case my condolences and please purchase a new shirt.)
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) March 2, 2013
I started this column off by saying “Bieber’s just a dumb kid.” But if he’s adult enough to beat back the adults who have to be pointing out his poor judgment to him (I mean, there has to be someone pointing out his bad judgment to him, right? RIGHT?), then he’s adult enough to take his medicine in the blogosphere. Thank you Olivia Wilde, for being the voice of reason.
