[pullquote]More Bro-cketology
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The man who can dance.
Rarer than a congressman that’s not corrupt. More desirable than a good matching rate on your 401K. More appealing than the siren song of free frozen yogurt samples. A guy who didn’t listen when the football team made fun of them in front hall, but only to the music in his head, the song in his heart, the happy in his feet. Bros, ladies love a man who can dance. They are few. They are proud. They are things of majesty.
But who are … the best of them? Trust me when I say that there are not that many to choose from, because let’s face it, most of them listened when the football team made fun of them and whined until their mom let them quit dance class. But the ones who rose to the top? They are glorious.
Let’s take it to the court with the Sweet Sixteen of Sweet Moves. I narrow down to an Elite Eight here, but I won’t be cornered into eliminating anyone else. That’s like killing a unicorn. Plus, everyone wins with videos of the winners’ best moves.
Patrick Swayze vs. Derek Hough
Two smooth-faced pretty boys with a twinkle in their eyes. Both come from dance families. One was trained in ballet. One was shipped off to England so he could learn ballroom dance under the possibly abusive eye of a crazy old man, and has become the mainstream face of dancing in 21st century America. But let’s face it: no matter how many Dancing Balls you’ve won, Derek Hough, you will never have given fodder to as many female daydreams as Patrick Swayze jumping off that stage to just dance up and down the aisles of a country club with his dirty dancin’ staff friends, or played the best straight man Chris Farley ever had. WINNER: Patrick Swayze #RIP
Channing Tatum in “Step Up 2: The Streets” vs. Channing Tatum in “Magic Mike”
Channing Tatum vs. himself? Oh yes. But there can be only one (Channing Tatum.) So is it the stripper trying to make good in an almost shot-for-shot recreation of Channing Tatum’s real life rise from stripper to superhero / Nicholas Sparks star / possible Ghostbuster? [ref] Full disclosure: I am the only woman in America who has not seen “Magic Mike” from start to finish. [/ref] Or is it the sequel to the dance movie that won our hearts, featuring Tatum and his real-life wife Jenna Dewan (they started dating after the movie was done) exuding zero chemistry in dialogue, but sweet ass dance moves and midriff shirts on the floor.
Seriously: the choreography is almost exactly the same in the big solo Tatum dance scenes in both these movies; Channing Tatum dances in sweatpants in both; both are equally awkward but for different reasons (bad acting / he puts his balls in a bachelorette’s face to “Pony.”) This is a tight, but low scoring game. Sorry, Stephen Soderbergh. WINNER: “Step Up 2: The Streets” Channing Tatum
Joe Manganiello in “Magic Mike” vs. Gregory Hines
Look, Joe Manganiello has beautiful abdominal muscles, but let’s face it, he spends the bulk of his dancing in “Magic Mike” doing a kind of standing worm. We’re talking about the art of dance here, not just gyration. If this was a Sweet Sixteen of Gyrating, I would put Manganiello and Mick Jagger straight through to the finals. But this is dance. It’s not even a contest. Gregory Hines is a genius. He’s a #1 seed easy. Mangianello is a play-in, and a weak one at that. Hines reminds you of the athleticism of dance. He is a force of nature all by himself, with just a white undershirt and a room of mirrors. Why are we even having this conversation? WINNER: Gregory Hines.
John Travolta in “Saturday Night Fever” vs. Ben Vereen
You know, Ben Vereen is an American treasure. The man did more Fosse than you can flossy. He has touched our hearts in so many ways. But John Travolta’s moves in “Saturday Night Fever” are iconic. How often have you yourself broken them out on the dance floor? However … if you look closely enough … can’t believe I’m saying this … Travolta does not dance that well. He points a lot. Vereen is all grace and smooth beauty. Travolta is tight pants and finger shakes. You want some tight pants? I’ll show you some tight pants (dancing begins at the 2:30 mark). WINNER: Ben Vereen
Gene Kelly vs. Ne-Yo
This matchup caused a lot of discussion between myself and my friend Kara. On one hand, Gene Kelly helped establish a golden age of movie musicals. On the other hand, Ne-Yo is a great dancer in a time where dancing is not a required skill for musical success (See: Swift, Taylor) and undervalued in a competitive entertainment industry. Ne-Yo is great. Ne-Yo is smooth. But Ne-Yo is no Gene Kelly. Gene Kelly may have been a stern taskmaster when it came to choreography (he may or may not have made Debbie Reynolds cry! And she’s Princess Leia’s mom!) but if you want to talk iconic moves, you got ’em. WINNER: Gene Kelly
Michael Jackson vs. Jabbawockeez
They’re Vegas staples now, but both these dancers both came from humble roots–one a child star from Gary, Indiana, the other a team of street dancers in creepy masks who remember their departed Jabbawockee Gary by pointing to the sky at the end of every performance. Gary vs Gary. Look, both have taken slightly creepy turns, but you have to look past personal drama in the face of pure talent (please forget I said that when you get to Chris Brown.) Even with Gary in mind, it’s impossible to compare the premiere America’s best dance crew with the man who shaped the moves of the ’80s and early ’90s. He gave us the Moonwalk. He gave us the one sequined glove crotch grab. He turned into a panther. Nope. Nope. Sorry, Jabbawockeez. No contest. WINNER: Michael Jackson.
Chris Brown vs. Jimmy Jr. (“Bob’s Burgers”)
This match-up is tough, because Brown is an amazing dancer. He also has the distinct handicap of being an extremely awful human being. Seriously, every time I see him dance, I think, “He is phenomenal. Too bad he’s the scum of the earth.” Conversely, Jimmy Jr.’s moves aren’t as nuanced, and he’s a self-involved pubescent cartoon, and sure, he spends a little too much time “wrestling” with his best friend Zeke, but he never purposefully beats a woman on the way home from the Grammys. Jimmy Jr. wins. And yes, I did purposefully pit Jimmy Jr. against Chris Brown so that he could advance. What are you going to do about it? Write your own Sweet Sixteen of Sweet Moves bracket if it bothers you that much. WINNER: Jimmy Jr.
Fred Astaire vs. Justin Timberlake
Immediately, I was conflicted. Sure, Fred Astaire was a completely innovative dancer. Sure, even Gene Kelly noted that “the history of dance of film begins with Astaire.” Sure, his career is over 75 years long. 75 years. Of dancing. But also: the “SexyBack” video. So this is a rough one. Oh, who am I kidding? Watch this video of Astaire dancing at the Oscars when he is 71-freaking-years-old and forget all about the cool table step slide Timberlake does. All you will see is a senior citizen with sweeter moves than anyone you know (boogying starts at 3:35. HE IS 71.) Timberlake didn’t even dance on his last tour with Jay Z. If you’re not going to give us what we want, JT, we’re going to go with a true master of the art. WINNER: Fred Astaire.
